hmm haven't blogged in a while. well i've been meaning to, seeing at i'm at home for the past few days cos i'm on att c due to my swollen-ankle-worsened-to-foot-to-almost-leg-then-recovered-back-to-ankle-and-not-seeming-to-improve condition. ok i practically just summarised my condition in one line.

sigh just when i was starting to feel a bit happier at the fact that life seems getting a bit better. then have to be struck by this problem. docs also cant really determine the cause, just dismissing it as a skin infection. so stayed in alexandra hospital for 3 days under drip+antibiotics before being able to go home, on att c.

yeah yeah, i know i should be happy that i'm on att c, can no need go back camp and siam stuff etc, like guard duties. well, though in one way that is true, but i feel quite bad for activating the reserves and stuff. and who knows how many duties i'll have to make up after i come back? and i dont get to bid farewell to those ppl nov ord, and for some, what if we hardly meet again. it's kinda sad u know. i already feel it when ppl like foo tell me how he and the rest felt when the leopard ppl orded last fri. well though i wasn't there, but i can feel something still loh.

and i hate this condition now. ok la, im DEFINITELY not some health freak or what, as anyone can tell from my diet and my size, but i experienced the long period of building back up my fitness after my major illness with my blood platelets back in feb 08, so i understand how tough it is to catch up. plus my fitness isn't good at all to start with, and i absolutely detest exercises that strain my arms (mainly sparking from the fact i'm not a strong guy to start with, and my size la). knowing of future ippts coming up though my chances of passing them are slim and close to none, as well as wanting to tire myself out once in a while, i actually do like light jogging and swimming. i feel it gives me time to think abt stuff and listen to music and even relax in that sense (although the irony is there whereby i'm panting and sweating like crap).

but when u are down with a condition like this, there's nth of this sort u can do. just when i was beginning to gear up for some running around my house area on days off now that im taking more days off away from camp. so i'm like stuck with a swollen ankle and having difficulties walking, not to even mention jogging or running or doing anything strenuous, and seriously that sucks. feeling discomfort and even pain when just standing in front of the sink brushing ur teeth and washing ur face, sometimes i even resort to standing on my good foot.

so i'm desperately praying for it to go away soon. im not someone who wants to try every opportunity to chao keng, so though it seems good for me to take a break from camp and all the shit i gotta do in there, in some sense i wished i never had this, so i dont have to feel the guilt for other ppl doing my guard duty (like larence who had to do my wkend one, and hz who now needs to do the day before his ord),

the frustration that i cannot walk properly and having my fitness deteriorating by the day, just getting fat and useless,

the regret that i cannot see fellow platoonmates ord and say some last encouraging words to those who i might just not see again for a long long time, it's like i never got the chance to say goodbye properly,

the anxiety in what's lying in store for me after i go back, whether i can cope with the pt and if ill have to make up guard duties like siao, or will i not have a smoothsailing ord cos of various reasons,

the sense of dread that i havent got the chance to go for my driving lessons for like close to 3 wks, and how on earth am i going to get all my practising and confidence in time for my TP. and how badly i'm going to fare when i go back for my first lesson after such a loooong hiatus. it's seriously very worrisome now, and i'm oh so prepared to fail liao. it's probably a miracle if i pass now,

and the emo feeling that i always get when things like this happen. i don't like it when all ur plans just shatter like this. i seriously seriously hate it. now everything has to be replanned, and there are just some things that are different once changes are made. a broken vase can be mended again using superglue, but the cracks will forever be there. it is just like that. i dont like feeling useless. i want to do the things i want to do again, not be restricted by this stupid swollen ankle which just refuses to subside and hinder even my basic movement. that sucks totally you know.

argh, i guess i'm just feeling angsty. i dunno what i'm ranting anymore. life just likes to play tricks on you. i dunno how to get around it anymore.

as i'm typing, the heavy downpour outside my window is slowly subsiding into a drizzle. when will my ankle do the same? and will i ever get to see the clear sky again. even if i do, how soon?

wow how time flies. i didn't even expect my blog to be kept in cold storage for close to a month. but though it may seem fast to me this way, the month itself didn't exactly pass by THAT slowly. nevertheless, i'm one month closer to end of the year, and that of cos means... o. r. d. lol.

the ord package has been quite depressing lol. totally took the ord mood out of me. having to hear abt the tons of things u need to do after u ord, makes ord seem so small in ur ns life after all. i still rmb those days in bmt, when all i did was to look forward to pop, and when the day finally arrived, u realised that 3 months has passed and there are 21 more to go. now is really similar, probably just worse. 2 years are going to pass, and there are 10 more to go. TEN CYCLES. ahhh sinking into depression liao.

life's getting a bit more low-key now during weekdays, albeit daily pt, vehicle maintainence, and ippt (urgh another one coming up this week). that's good, so i can spend more time on things that are important to me, and i've interest in, like learning jap and reading, even catching up with the rest of the platoon before the nov ppl all ord.

during weekends, other than the usual routine of driving lessons, it's quite a lot of going out, and spending hordes of money in the process. ok i may be exaggarating when i say i'm broke, until like penniless. but really, spending too much money, especially on food, which like goes into ur tummy then serve no other purpose liao. but even those stuff i buy like new berms, belt, bag, possibly shoes someday, also cost quite a bit. so all i need to do is probably to cut down on other expenses and try to console myself that this is all for a fresh start after ord. lol. even wensi agrees that it's a good excuse haha.

so being the spendthrift me, managed to get a weekend available at home, though quite boring, but at least i wasn't spending much. managed to get some stuff done, so thats good. but lots of stuff on-going, and some i haven't got to doing yet, so that'll prob take place next weekend ba. all these includes signing up for tutor-student matching sites, as well as sending emails back to hwachong and asking if they require relief teachers. dunno where else to approach le... seeing how hc is doing well in his job, and how hz has been going to scheduled interviews one after another from thu to sat, it really serves as a good source of motivation. i feel quite determined not to just rot at home after being inspired by them haha.

dunno what came over me, mebbe it's the fear from the prospect of RT if i don't pass ippt after i ord. suddenly went to dig out my old running gear. ok it sounds like pro or wad, but it's just old school t-shirts and bball shorts (uh nope i dont play, it's just for sports usage), as well as running socks and my mega old sports shoes which i prob last wore back in j2. went to workout a bit this weekend, seeing that i haven't many appointments and was rotting at home anyways. hopefully this short-term burst of motivation will last and i can keep it sustained so i wont balloon back to some obese guy after i ord. if not 6 mths after i ord i'll prob fail 2.4km running lol.

next month's going to be a sad month, with all the nov guys ord-ing and the platoon will literally be halved. also, that means a crazy load of guard duty befalling upon the ptp and bp guys. and i seriously mean crazy. got 4 duties coming up waiting for me, 2 of which wkends, and 3 of them are consecutive, simply just alternating every other day. i dunno how big an impact that's going to weigh on me loh. confirm damn shagged for the whole 2 weeks de loh. hopefully can get to apply some off so that at least i can relax a bit after that crazy period. hmm, really hope that the platoon can still stay in touch after all the nov ppl ord, and i can still see them often enough. quite glad to meet up with hongchuan rather frequently, though i know that it's mostly due to hz's credit. with hz gone too by mid nov, i wonder if i'll still get to see them much... but then again, people always say army buddies you make during ns time will remain as ur buddies even after ord. i hope that'll come true =)

with hopefully more tuition assignments coming up, trying to keep up with my slight pt routine, maintaining communication with my school regarding the relief teaching, having to look for jobs in case my relief teaching hopes fall through, and perhaps, if i regain my confidence after this year's utter failure, to reapply for overseas unis and scholarships, on top of catching up with friends and getting new stuff (while deluding myself that this is all for a fresh start after ord lol), and more driving (oh how can i ever forget that >.<), i am going to have quite a fulfilling 2 months prior to my ord. which is a promising start to my civilian life i hope. i'm all ready for it! so please let me ord soon lol. *prays fervently for that day to arrive*

was quite glad to see sam and ryan last sun. went to have hi-tea buffet at thomson plaza, courtesy of remi to celebrate auntie ivy's bdae. haha quite happy to meet up with all his family members again, though uncle stanley wasn't around as he was sick. though we didn't meet for that long, going to play arcade and watch a movie after that (hurt locker), which wasn't much conversation and communication, still i could feel how comfortable we were with each other, and that assured me that our friendship was still strong after all, just overly long hiatus in between meetups. the last time we met, i still remember, was in aug on the day of ahm! that's like 2 months ago liao. well anyway, we were talking abt going for a trip sometime soon, and i sincerely hope it will realise.

talking abt trips, my family trip has shrunk to a 4 day trip instead of the originally planned 7-8 days since dad had insufficient leave left. initially felt a little disappointed, but then got over it le. so what if we are not going to travel very far or very long, as long as the whole family goes together, i'm sure it'll be fun. and yeah, got over the fact that i can't go for the 6d trip. ok it's not REALLY 100% confirmed yet, since the trip now is only 4 days and if the timings are just, i may just be able to make it for both! lol that will be the best case scenario la, though i won't dare to think so optimistically. now all i can do is to wait for my bro, who is helping to decide and book the family trip, to finalise all the details so i know if it clashes still with the 6d trip. and of cos i have to factor in if i do want to go for a trip so soon after coming back from one la. well all these hopefully gets decided by this wkend or something, or my chances of going to the 6d thailand trip will just diminish by the day, considering that there's so limited time left and i can't even decide to book air tickets.

i just hope everything will work out!! ord smoothly with minimal ippts and guard duties, find relief teaching job smoothly, if not some other stable desk job, get tuition assignments smoothly, having driving lessons and pass tp smoothly, get to go for both trips smoothly, and get to go on holiday with ryan and sam smoothly. so many things to handle, so little time. and incredible amounts of luck and opportunities and cooperation before everything can go on nicely. life's not all smooth-sailing i know, and i'm of cos just idealising when i wish for everything to go on perfectly.

but one can dream, can't he? =)

strangely feeling this ray of hope. i seldom get so optimistic lol.

must be finally having the ord-mood.

hmm was having a pretty good wkend till things changed suddenly. so now feeling damn sian.

went shopping on fri and finally got the first pair of shorts/berms thats not elastic or oversized. gone are the obiang days le! ok la thats a bit kua zhang, not like i revamped my wardrobe or wad, it's only one pair. still, that's a good start lol. shall aim to get more if i don't look weird in them. my friend was shopping for shoes as well, and that let me to think of the shoe craze some platoon mates had just last week, imagine buying up to 2 pairs of shoes in 2 days! lol. but they look really good la, from pedro, aldo, everbest, beetlebug. all really chio. so that got me thinking if i should get a pair soon haha. i almost got tempted to buy on the spot already loh! but i stopped myself in time, and thus now though not 100 bucks poorer, am one chio pair of shoes lacking.

actually all these buying kinda made me think that, hmm the growing up phase has really arrived. the big two-zero is slowly catching up with me le (okok, i know of all the others who are already looking forward to their 21st bash, but hey, cant blame me for being born later ok? lol), and can see the ord-mood in all the nov batch ppl in my platoon. so all these new clothes, shoes, bags, belts, etcetc, kinda spells a lot abt how ppl are starting to prepare for post-ord life. as well as adult lifestyle, as gone are the days with tshirts and sneakers and cargo pants etc. and therefore i can't exactly fall behind, can i? so yup, planning to do a tiny makeover kinda thing after ord. but dunno if i got wad it takes lol. yes, namely speaking, a lot a lot of moolah.

will prob carry out this plan alone, or mebbe with just a few others keen on operation post-ord.

met with hanzong, bok and hongchuan (mr. koh for 2 wks lo!) arnd thomson area at night. haha havent met hc in quite a well, so had quite a good talk. bok and hz also quite my frequency de lol, so we wont be worried of running of things to say. covered quite a bit i would say, from life now, to life in the future and all. glad to see hc being happy in his new job, and admire him for his time management, planning to take up uni part-time and having to juggle with his now-permanent job, relationship issues, friends, personal upgrading and personal time etcetc. it's quite a remarkable feat i will say. thus shall aspire to work out a good plan and make gd use of my time like him! haha. ok the recent 2 posts making me sound like his fan. so had pretty good chicken rice at longhouse (shall go again), and choco drinks at cheeky chocolate. and sat in hz's van for the first time lol, not bad driving skills eh! haha. oh no, that makes me think of my own lousy driving... and my hopes of taking TP by end nov... okok shant think abt that now >.<

sat was pre-ord bbq at yr's house! haha he's a good host man, kudos to him, satan, and all those who helped to get the food from imm and prepared them so that we can have a gd time. really hiong ah, i seriously never expected EVERYONE who stayed till the end to end up dripping wet lol. all either kenna pulled in, pushed in, hug and jump in(kamikaze style), voluntarily enter etc. aiya all ways basically. so it was quite a crazy bbq i should think lol. but really fun! =) after the pool closed, some stayed back to do a bit of drinking. i was waiting for wing kevin they all, so i stayed back too. and i shall conclude, i cannot hold my liquor lol. after prob a couple of shots and sips + 1 cupful of the chivas-mixer, i kinda died. so grant had to bring me to walk around to sober up, and when it didnt work, bok had to follow me to the toilet so i could throw up lol. so paiseh la. but anyway thanks a lot to bok for helping me haha. and to the rest for asking if i was ok lol. hope i didnt make a fool of myself. thankfully i sobered up b4 leaving, so they didnt have to like drag me to my house or smth lol.

but anyway, after reading hz's blog post on the bbq, cant help but agree with him, things have changed so much as compared to the last bbq we had last may, when the drivers first entered mortar platoon. we all didnt really know each other, so it was a super awkward bbq. looking back, so much has happened in the past 16 months. and im really glad for the company i have in this platoon. though i prob wont miss army life after i ord (like duh!), but close friends i've made in the platoon, it's something that i will never want to lose and will always miss. so shall continue to treasure the last 2 months, or for most of them, last month, with these awsome guys bah. must keep in contact after ord!!

so was having a gd wkend until today, my mum suddenly say she not free on the 6th dec. so the family holiday we were planning cannot go on, cos my bro only free from the 3rd, and i ord on the 11th. so the very jsut nice timing from 3rd to abt 9th right b4 i ord holiday cannot go on as planned le. thus we prob have to push it to the following wk after i ord, which will clash with the 6d thailand trip!! ahh i feel so sad la, when everything is going so well, then something have to come and disturb the whole balance. argh i dont like have my plans changed. and if family and class clash, ill prob go for the family one, since it's been so long since our whole family went on holiday together. in fact, so long that i cannot rmb when was it le. when i was pri 3? >.< then ill prob miss out a lot of 6d fun. haizzzz. hope things will work out soon?

ok damn late liao. im totally running late for book in. urgh, a whole 5day wk in camp. and non-stop acct throwing torture. later throw in some last min ippt again >.<

suddenly can't help but think of the song: SOMEBODY SAVEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEE!

life sucks.

hmm, haven't been back here for abt 2 months. been meaning to update this blog with happy notes from my recent perth trip. it was really quite enjoyable, considering the fact that it's my first trip not with family or school, and done in a roadtrip style. meaning renting a car and travelling on our own, free and easy. and to add to the firsts, going with ruiyuan and his 2 camp mates, meaning 2 others that i only met for the first time at the airport before leaving for the trip. lol.

but shall leave that for another time bah. oh yeah, i will upload my photos to facebook soon. hopefully lol.

well, one big news in our platoon. hongchuan ord le. haha definitely happy for him, couldnt help but share in his joy in the last week he was around, all the way till he flashed his pink ic at us. and then he's prob not stepping into keat hong camp again le. now mr koh is prob enjoying his civilian life out there, while the rest of us continue to slog it out in camp and lead the normal mundane life we have been leading.

that's where the problem comes in. with someone in the platoon ord-ing, one will tend to wonder about his future plans and prospects. and that's when thoughts abt your own future start to flood your head. although my ord isn't exactly in sight, considering i'm ptp batch, but cross-referring to hongchuan's plans, as well as various others in the platoon, esp the nov ord personnel, i can't help but start worrying about my future. school isn't for another 8 months after ord, and i dont even know i still have any more shots at going overseas. but i'll still try la.

meanwhile, i'm not going to rot at home, am i? i'll prob have to find something. probably everyone else thinks like this. but do what? hah, i'll be surprised if no one ponders abt that. for me, i know myself, i'm more suited for desk bound jobs cos i'm the more passive kind. but should i stick to my comfort zone, or should i take this opportunity to broaden my experiences and try out something more challenging? confused and clueless about this. been wanting to do relief teaching for these few months prob since i enlisted bah. but now that the time has come to realise this "wish" of sorts, i suddenly come to think that i'm lost. seeing ppl like foo and hz, having established good ties with teachers in the past schools they have studied, now facing much less of a problem than me, who cannot do anything like approaching past school teachers and hoping they can help to get me a spot. for years, i was just the average student, existing under the radar, not outstanding at all to make teachers notice me, yet not getting into too much trouble to make teachers remember me as well. i'm just this forgettable student that all my teachers probably forgot they had the year after they taught me. so seriously, how high are my chances of clinching a teaching job for the bulk of this post-ord period? i seriously dunno.

then sometime this week, happened to chance upon a convo foo was making with wing abt another possible job offer at de coder's cafe. it struck me as a really good opportunity as i felt i could develop a passion in it, and it's a job that not only focuses on work, but some play too. most importantly, i thought it was the ideal job for me to explore out of my comfort zone, while not being overly challenging as some commission-based salesperson job at some gigantic electronic store or something. i'll prob just shrivel up and die in such jobs. after tonight's "interview" of sorts, felt more convicted it was quite a good job in terms of job experience, but started to worry abt whether i could cope with a full time job (really hopefully teaching), and this as a part time. ok la, this may sound like i'm super desperate for income (which i wont deny i'm not, just not THAT desperate), but what i probably have in mind is to fully utilise my time and gain as much experience i can get, in a couple of different working environments. it's also a test of my time management i guess.

ahh then there comes this problem of having probably no life lol. ok theoretically speaking, there is a way after precise calculation to have quite some time to hang out with friends and all. but im not sure by then, mentally, after taking up hopefully both jobs, ill still be able to have the energy to go out or anything. so this is one thing's thats been a little troubling, cos i wont want to give up either job opportunity.

so it's like there are still 3 months more to ord (damn long!), and there's so much to worry abt the future already. actually like wad bok said, sometimes leading a very mundane routine life in ns, albeit full of last minute stunts due to extreme inefficiency, may not be that bad after all, cos ultimately i guess u still can push all the blame and complain all u want abt the routine. however, when ur post-ord life screws up, there's nothing else to blame le. u now take full control of ur life, after being bossed around and under command for the past 2 years. it's a really strange feeling, u know, having to take back ur life and take charge of it solely upon the collection of ur pink ic. that's what hongchuan did and i'm really glad to see that he's done really ample preparation, with instant job offers upon ord, and uni all worked out for him le.

i wish i was half as well planned as him and a couple of others in the platoon. but well, at least it works as some motivation, and i feel inspired to try and clear the influx of thoughts and worries clouding my head, and hoping to arrive at a feasible and most beneficial solution to my life after ord.

argh i hate this feeling. lost and clueless, aimlessly wandering about. i just hope this only occurs in my head and not come to reality next year.

driving is another major headache. on top of my mega slow progress leading to lots more lessons (aka more money), it means that i have to spend even more money to renew my pdl and membership, and even even more if i have take a break of sorts in dec if i were to go on holiday with my family, and possible 6d also. it's also not helping that slots i want are never available, or they are only available at the very inappropriate timings. it seriously sucks to face this dilemma. and i havent even begun to worry abt whether im proficient enough or my skills are good enough to pass the test YET.

social circle wise, also not doing fantastically either. though it's good that through the trip, got to know sihan and kheng ming, 2 new friends, and having relatively frequent class and platoon outings for the past couple of wkends, and a nice touch to meet some tanbo peeps for a movie last sun, haven't really seen ryan and samuel for some time. guess it's always this clash of schedules that makes it real hard for meetups, and medicine is forever busy i suppose. felt quite bad that couldnt celebrate sam's bdae on the actual day, and finding it hard to find a day to actually do so. also havent met junzhi for some time cos of the trip, wonder if the studying's going ok. i also dunno if this sun can end up meeting, cos got some last minute family stuff. thinking about all these makes me can't help but ponder abt the previous thought, how much am i missing out on catching up with my friends if i take up jobs to fully occupy my time? it's this balance thats important and at the same hard so hard to grasp, and i'm scratching my head till it's bleeding over this issue.

ok la, i'm probably trying to squeeze too much into the 24 hours i have each day. call me ambitious or what, but all i'm trying to do is just to ensure i dont waste my life away loh. i really dont like the feeling of stoning at home the whole day from day to night, only to realise at night that nothing's been accomplished the whole day, except mebbe a few more episodes of drama watched, a few more quizzes done on facebook, a few more blog entries read, and tv or gaming galore the whole day. it's just not my kind of life i guess.

argh dunno why im feeling so stressed up over this lah. it's just a bit overwhelming and im having a little difficulty coping with all the possible prospects when there's still 3 months more to go (super long lahhhhh urgh). i think it's just the mentality that i only got this 8 months once, and i should not just let it go to waste, cos many things can be done in this period of time.

at a loss now. hope it will all clear up soon.

anyway, here's a song i heard recently. been on a eng song spree ever since the perth trip cos most of the songs during the trip were played from kheng ming's ipod plugged into the car. which are mainly quite nice songs from daughtry, jason mraz, lady gaga etcetc.

Green Day - 21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

ok i'm feeling guilty here. cos i'm totally blogging in the spur of the moment, or wad one will call random urge, and i probably ignored this blog for like say, more than 3 months? but well in any case, gotta say hey again blog. i guess everyone else probably forgotten abt you, me included. say, the last time i came to my on blog was a couple of weeks ago i would say?

*guilt written all over my face*

hmm dunno why, just suddenly felt like coming to my blog right in the middle of my show watching session (that's been going on like for the whole day lol. and im not even taking a break, i just paused ep12 at 11:24 to type all this). all in all, i wouldnt say i'm exactly having an extremely terrible time with my life (which is usually the reason why i blog here anyway), with stuff occupying my wkends, from ndp (oh wow how fun >.<), to study sessions with junzhi (actually more of him studying, im more of there to uh, learn extra stuff and kill time haha), to outings with platoonmates (looks like we've got 2 more buffets to go to, this is so killing my diet plan - ok im kidding i dont even have one, which is terrible), to class gatherings (how can i ever forget these guys =D), and hopefully another meeting with sam and ryan despite their busy schedules.

but well, somehow just suddenly i feel this sense of emptiness in me, and i'm not really sure why. ok mebbe im not like the worst-off man on earth now or something, and if you want me to pin-point anything in particular that's bothering me, i can't really put a finger to it.

it's just this... overall feeling.

nah nvm, i think it'll probably blow over soon?

haven't listened to any new songs for a really long time ever since my mp3 spoilt and my radio went along with it. got a new mp3 now, but still no radio (yes i know im just too damn lazy to make an effort to >.<), but recently went to listen abit and this song just got me looping it over and over. i have no idea why though haha, like the lyrics but they do not apply to me. at all. funny huh.

曹格 - 寂寞先生

你的笑容是恩惠　世界难得那麽美
於是追 要你陪　
可惜本能终会将美丽汗水化成泪水

黑夜之所以会黑　叫醒人心里的鬼
在游说 在萦回　
在体内是什麽 在把我摧毁在伤痕累累

我可以无所谓　寂寞却一直掉眼泪
人类除了擅长颓废　
做什麽都不对　Oh … I'm not okay

我假装无所谓　才看不到心被拧碎
人在爱情里越残废　
就会越多安慰　无论多虚伪

空虚并非是词汇　能够形容的魔鬼
它支配着行为　
能摆脱寂寞我什麽都肯给　就像个傀儡

我可以无所谓　寂寞却一直掉眼泪
人类除了擅长颓废　
做什麽都不对　Oh … I'm not okay

我假装无所谓　才看不到心被拧碎
人在爱情里越残废　
就会越多安慰~~

我要无所谓　无所谓
我要无所谓~~
人在爱情里越残废　
就会越多安慰 (就会越多安慰)
无论多虚伪

perhaps the title does apply, just a little bit?

aiya i dunno wad's coming over me today. i dont even know who comes this blog anymore. i doubt many, since even i seldom come here anymore. but oh wells, it's mainly for my eyes only. people dont really have to know what i'm feeling. not that i'm doing a particular good job of describing it at all, seeing that i don't even understand it myself.

feeling empty and lonely huh.
i think i'm just being an emokid for tonight.

ok i am totally freaking out.

although atec is over (oh gosh that feels like quite long ago), things following that seem to be stressing me out non-stop. in particular non-army related stuff.

done my applications for scholarships and universities very last min. now i suppose is just to wait for their reply, but for applications like nus, i kinda submitted too late. so now my document status is NOT RECEIVED. i dunno is till now still haven't receive or they just rejected the document cos it's probably overdue (i only submitted the document last min, so i dunno if it reached them by 1 april). so now, omg! do i have to wait till next yr or smth? omgomgomg. freakking out.

next, driving. it's been eonsssss and yet the online booking facility still appears to me, all slots have been taken. oh pls, for april + may + june? that makes it a totally of like 91 days. and 8 sessions per day. ok even if u take away some for public hols and sundays. that still leaves u with plenty of slots k! but the slots are not available. nope. none. na-da. NIL. at this rate, what if by the end of the year still no chance? means my membership will expire and ill prob have to apply again to renew, add that cost to a renewal of a PDL... it can amount up to 3 digits la. wth.

as if practical sessions aren't freaking me out with their non-availability, now im freaking out with the FTT being too early. booking it at the end of mth now seems way way too early (considering i can't book a single lesson for uh.. 91 days?). then with the stupid evaluation requirement, somemore must at least 14 days b4. which means i gotta pass it by this wkend. OH GOSH. and i haven't even read finish the book once yet. like seriously. do i have any reason NOT to freak out??

regarding scholarships and unis. i've already been shot down by one, and prob nus too, seeing that my status does not look optimistic (not received). now what if i get one without the other... the most stressful one would prob have to be overseas uni without a scholarship. cos ill prob not be able to afford, and im going to give it up just like that? also local uni with single degree. i mean thats pretty fine with me, just that will i still get the chance and choice to take up the 2nd one if i dont get it this time? what if somehow my uni life doesnt allow me to do so? or horrible results? so im going to be condemned never to try out that curriculum again? aiya i dunno la >.<

with driving so screwed up, i can't concentrate on learning any other things also. been meaning to pick up a skill for ages, decided to go ahead with driving since i guess it's more practical than other stuff like, languages and music and such. so now im neither here or there. it's kinda back to the all along dilemma of not achieving anything in these 2 yrs. arghhhh. ill really hate myself if i end up not doing anything. 9 mths to go... should i be happy cos it's going to be over (ok this is like quite duh, who wouldnt be?), or do i only have 9 mths left to put up this facade, this excuse, this lie, this front to hide that actually i can't do anything proper with my life meaningfully. that after that ill probably move on to waste my 8 mths prior to uni as well, just like that.

you know what? i think i might really be right.

dammit.

guess my posts run on a rather monthly basis haha. prob guess to the emo mood prior to every major outfield that make me want to blog. some kind of wanting to leave my last word before i head for hell i guess. >.<

well this month has been crazy as usual, with one weekend of not being able to book out due to certain reasons. and guess wad, next week it's going to happen again, being stuck in camp right after horrible outfield. i keep trying to assure myself it's going to be the last leg le, just survive thru it and life will get better. but that doesn't stop me from thinking how horrible it will be, especially with the danger that i'll be attached to other coys to be their drivers if ps doesnt manage to save me... dreading it. even if i get to stay with the platoon, also dunno what i'll be doing. this is seriously one of the worst things i hate abt army, the uncertainty and just throwing you around like some taiji ball just cos you're a spare. oh please loh, i do have a platoon to belong to, so i should think i have the right to stay with them, where i belong ok? so stop pushing me around until im like this homeless soul can? if like that, might as well recreate the drivers to be isolated from any platoon and only draw drivers when exercises call for it. ok im just ranting on, of cos i wont want to leave the platoon to be isolated into some driver coy.

the next week looms ahead with all forms of uncertainty...

talking abt uncertainty, it's definitely the case for non-army stuff as well. namely my civilian life. or more aptly, my actual life. i have been dawdling for too long, and now the time has come for me to pick up myself (as in really pulling myself away from all the things i'm finding just to avoid all the impt stuff, like playing reflexive arcade games, watching movies, going out, reading twilight saga (and shopaholic series after that), listening to songs on youtube, and even using ber's psp to play pokemon emerald in camp). argh i feel horrible, like i'm seriously addicted into this slack mood when in camp. what happened to insisting on not buying psp cos i want to make time more productive? so feel kinda guilty =(.

better get work done on EduGrain and EduDelta soon, if not will kenna killed by kg. and i would want to kill myself too. scholarship and uni applications are already around for god knows how long but i was just too indulgent into all the useless stuff that i couldnt bring myself to take a good look at them and understand how tight schedules are running. when i heard ry is already in the process of midway thru all those essays, my heart just twinged with guilt, and loads of fear for the fact that i may just miss it this year. with no thanks to my own procrastination. damn im starting to freak out. hope this confession-realisation will spur me to really get it started the next opportunity i get, which is so far away! (with no thanks to ns, which really know how to choose the perfect timing to confine me for the weekend. oh. my. god.) and driving! have been trying for ages to book a slot for FTT, but sat slots just refuse to come. i'm getting so irritated. but heck abt it first bah, once all these outfields are over i'm going to get started with practical lessons liao. i have dragged it for long enough, trying to find a sat slot. ppl like han zong and kevin who applied after me are all chionging and here i am taking my time la.

sorry i seriously dunno what i have been doing all this while. all i know is if i don't get moving soon, i'm going to be in so deep trouble. so many things, so little time. and all i do is just to idle my time away. argh i hate myself =(. someone gimme a whack on the head or something to wake up to my senses.

i'm just kidding abt the last part.

so this weekend shall be my last enjoyable weekend before next week when all hell breaks loose. had quite a lot of fun on fri at justin's house with most of the other specs. munched on good food (justin's really a super good cook. mega talented sia. had beef burgers (which i didnt eat of cos), roast chix, mashed potato, coleslaw, bacon, stir-fried shitake mushrooms etcetc), baked fun stuff (chocolate caramel almond shortcake! and yong biao's chocalate coated lemon cookies, didnt get to try it though haha) and admired great art pieces (all the art works hung around the house are all damn cool! mostly made by him).

after that met platoon guys at amk hub to catch he's just not that into you. i quite liked the movie for the comedy elements and yeah, i guess some can pick some funny lessons from the show =) but some may find it lacking in substance i would think. so i would say it's a... if u like it u like, and if u dont u dont, kind of movie. arcade was not bad, they got jubeat there =) and haven't played the new bishi bashi for quite some time. so yeah fun =) dinner was at chomp chomp where we turned into gourmets by testing out different stall hokkien mee and chicken wings lol, and then lastly followed by kt's house for mahjong and wii adventures! haha attendance rate was kinda good, hanzong wing kevin ber weihong joshua bok jeremy larence satan foo.

was planning to go home after that, but foo asked if anyone wants to stayover, so i was thinking why not hang out around some more since it's the last weekend to have fun prior to next wk's hell. haha ended up me foo and bok went. didnt do really much, cos i was kinda tired from going out the whole day. bok and foo too i guess. so most of the activities happened on sat morning when he brought us to eat good vegetarian food at hougang. wah really very nice sia, must ask him to bring us there again soon. ate roti prata, bee hoon with dishes, and we even shared a mega mock big pao. it's really damn big sia haha. went causeway point after that to hang around (cos foo had some stuff to do there), so money flowed out of my pocket again to arcade gaming, following by a little book shopping at the harris book sale at the atrium. bought the sequel to he's just not that into you, it's called a breakup because it's broken lol. shall try to find the first book when i next book out bah.

at night went airport to send yushan off. peishan wensi pengsing kg kevin puayhian yida ruiyuan dj yongxian me went haha. haven't been to airport for sometime since we last sent cheejia off (which she came back during new year and left again le. so it's been pretty long lol.) it's still quite a nice and quiet place i guess haha, quite cool to chill out, if only it wasnt so farrrrrr. (all the way at changi omg.) ate at popeyes (the queue is imba la, but the food is quite good, esp the sides, fries and mashed potato, dunno abt the coleslaw) at T1, before moving to T3 to send yushan. haven't seen the class for some time, close to a month i guess. wont be seeing them next wk either, so prob a fortnight later i suppose.. ok i can't wait for that day to come, mainly cos it means next wk's hell will be over!!

urgh, im still seriously affected by next wk's uncertainty. prob the only thing im certain abt next week is that im going to be miserable. oh sooooo miserable >.< sighs... ok i've typed quite a long post and my parents have been bugging me to go bathe since like an hour ago. ok i better go, hope for the best next week and i must promise myself i will do something abt all the stuff i've neglected the next time i book out!!! ARGH I HATE MYSELF FOR PROCRASTINATING AND SLACKING.